Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
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“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
“What?”
– Jude
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.