Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
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Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.