*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.