Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*