My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
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when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
🤣🤣
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages