Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
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“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
The news in a nutshell.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
New favorite tiktok
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.