For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
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Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
The real reason evolution started..😂
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons