Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
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Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
never forget
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If snakes were wide
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.