My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
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Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Barbie gone wild
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Oh, I bet you would be
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
guys I’m going home
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married