[montage of me giving-up]
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911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies