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Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
oh you like architecture? name three walls
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”