I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.