Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
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Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Me if I was a dog
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.