Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
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i’m still crying at this
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.