DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
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Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
had to share :’)
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.