reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
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ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Tony Hawk, age 6