Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
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My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest