I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
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ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂