McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
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when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.