My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
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Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.