Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
what it’s like dating me:
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
How I’d get arrested…
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex