You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
You Might Also Like
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?