I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
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*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that