TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
had to make it
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week