dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
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If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy