*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
When libraries troll their patrons.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.