after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
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Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.