At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
You Might Also Like
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.