Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
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My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Best spot.. 😅
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.