The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
This dude got his own movie?
men, we mow at sunrise.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
Feels like the fourth month in January
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears