Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
I don’t know what to do
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.