I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
You Might Also Like
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.