Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
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Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.