Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
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Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
How it started How it’s going
Happy Halloween 🎃
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.