There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*