my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
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I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I think we should hear other voices.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Watermelon Boss!
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.