Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
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trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.