My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
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A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.