Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
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me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real