There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
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4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.