Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
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I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.