St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
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Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing