[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
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terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium