Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
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My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
This is Sparta