There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I love twitter
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened