This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
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Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
some cats are just doing for fun!
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
2022 be like
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats