If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
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My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.