If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
me hooking up with my ex
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
repaired
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music