Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
You Might Also Like
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Just parrot things
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.