me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
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Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
#damn
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.